In-laws -- an old wives' tale

Tuesday, September 4, 2007
One plus of never getting married is technically never having in-laws. I'm sure plenty of people have interesting in-laws stories (feel free to share), but one family I don't know if I'd want to join is mine.

See, I'm pretty much used to my dysfunctional, yet functional family on my mom's side of the family tree. I feel bad for people just walking into it -- like the B.F. or my cousin's G.F. I mean, my aunts are so loud when they get together and yell, not talk mind you, while we are all in the same room. Because I'm part of the family, I'm able to yell back at them pointing out how disgustingly loud they are talking while we are in the the same vicinity. They say, "Oh shut the hell up, Allison," and continue fighting about who has less wrinkles or whatever you fight with your sisters about when you are 45+. At least the B.F. could escape to the outside patio where he and the boys (made up of my uncles, dad, brother and cousin) talked about all the manly things regarding the latest Cleveland Browns football player. My cousin's G.F. and I were attempting to watch "Hitch" but kept getting interrupted by my aunt's yelling about something that happened in Amherst or "Allison, are you sure you don't want more cake?" "No, Aunt Renee, I don't need more cake, I need fucking liposuction." My mom --"Allison, don't use the f-word," which then goes into a conversation about how our family could be the Osbourne's if only we had a reality TV show about us. (There would need to be a lot of bleeping, but I find that it would be one hell of an entertaining show with my parents as the stars -- who knew parents got cooler as you got older.)

The visit to the B.F.'s family house was always interesting and unforgettable. The B.F.'s family always seems to inadvertently leave his dad out of the joke, story or anything for that matter. He basically doesn't pay attention and then wants to be caught up in the middle of the story. Well no one wants to catch him up, so they ignore him, continue with the conversation while he grows more and more impatient and then blurts out "Who said that?" or "Who did that?" Then, the B.F.'s dad looks to me for explanation and I can't help but laugh and then he tells me, "You are losing points," and walks away, still without knowing what the hell anyone was talking about.

My cousin's G.F. had a good point though. She said, as I'm sure all women have said, "I don't think I could ever marry someone whose family I can't get along with." It sounds great on paper, but never ever works out in the real world -- or in any reality TV show either.