99 problems and a cold is one

Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Last Friday, Narm and I braved the semi-cold weather to support our man Barack and stand in line for a free concert with Mr. Jay-Z. Truth be told, I'm a huge fan- he's very cute and is married my favorite performer, Miss Beyonce. I saw him concert a few years ago and from what I remember, it was a great show.

When Alexa tweeted about the free concert, we both scoured the internet trying to get tickets to avoid waiting in line. We realized that wasn't going to work and we'd have to brave the cold. We did. We went and didn't conquer anything but heckling the volunteers who offered no valuable information. Nothing I tell you! They didn't know how many tickets they had to giveaway, they couldn't tell us if they were numbered seats, and more importantly, they couldn't tell me if Barack or Beyonce would be there. But, they could ask if we wanted to vote early and volunteer. No, biatch, we don't. We want our tickets and we want them now! After all that, we didn't end up getting tickets. However, thanks to a friend, she included me in with her group of friends.

Sorry Narm!

Flash forward to today and I'm sick as a dog. (Serves me right for mocking and laughing at Narm all week.) My voice sounds like a 40-year-old hooker and I sweat, freeze and ache all at the same time. Sounds hot, right? So, I'm passing on seeing all the famous people at the Q tonight and any surprise performers. I hope you are happy, cold and sinus!

P.S. Thanks Blogging Jason for giving me the clever title.

Lady in Red

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Are you single? Not getting laid as often as you like? Think about what colors you typically wear, and it could have something to do with that. No shit. Forget how popular deep colors are this season and throw those out of your mix.

Start rocking red says a psych professor and Chris De Burgh. Maybe he was onto something?

Excerpt from the article on MSNBC:

"Men rated a woman shown in photographs as more sexually attractive if she was wearing red clothing or if she was shown in an image framed by a red border rather than some other color, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday."

OK, not buying it.

"The men also were asked, "Imagine that you are going on a date with this person and have $100 in your wallet. How much money would you be willing to spend on your date?" When she was clad in red, the men said they would spend more money on her."

What!? Do they not know that red isn't an "in" color right now? Plus, it doesn't look good on all skin types. And this isn't the early 90's where men loved the red lips/skin tight dress of Cindy Crawford either.

Personally, I don't look good in a bright red because I'm pretty pale - not a whole lot of skin pigment going on. Maybe a more muted burgundy, but definitely not Valentine's day red. Unless you are of Latin descent, I don't think red will look that fabulous on you. Although, I could be wrong about this.

Ladies, when you are going on a date, how much, if any, do you pay attention to color? And, that includes coordinating what's underneath the clothes as well.

driving while blind

Sunday, October 26, 2008
What a way to end the riding season.......

This is the second year the BF has had his sweet motorcycle. All winter long I hear him saying over and over, "I can't for riding season" or "I can't wait until I can ride again." I feel the same way about wearing open-toed stilettos sandals.

Anyway, he toughed it out and ended his riding season this year with one hell of a bang.

Ta dah! Now say it with me people, you should have to retake your driver's test when you reach a certain age. Why you ask? Because if you did, I don't think this young lad would still be driving or have almost killed my boyfriend.

Let's go back to the scene of the accident. The BF was stopped with all lights and blinkers blinking, waiting to turn left into a residental neighborhood. (I could see his brother's house where he was going to store the bike. So close, but no cigar.) He was at a complete stop. Other cars were passing and their lights were reflecting off of him so I'm still unsure how the driver couldn't see him. I was behind the young lad when his tires started to squeal as he slammed on his brakes.

I see the BF get off of his bike and walk up to the young lad's window raise his arms above his head as if he said, "Holy shit you moron, you almost killed me!" He then waved me to go around them and I see the front of the car wedged right above his tire. The bike was supporting the car in the air.

Note to readers - If I would've been on the bike, I'm not sure where I would've gone because one of my foot pegs is smashed into the front bumper. Maybe I would've fell off, or fell back onto his hood, or gone flying into oncoming traffic. None of which sound appealing.

So, moral of the story is to watch out for bikers. Pay attention when you drive your car. Get off your cell phone. Turn down your music. And, if you need new glasses, you should get them so accidents don't happen like this. Thankfully, this wasn't a terrible accident and no one was hurt. The young lad just didn't see him. Scary, huh?

baby one more time

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Dear Britney,

I am absolutely thrilled that you will make your live performance debut on GMA on your birthday. (Although I'd be even more thrilled if it were on the Today Show- I'm a loyal viewer.) Anywho, I'd like to give you a few pointers on your upcoming appearance -

1) Try to sing live. Or, at least a part of it.

2) If you are going to give an interview, don't talk in that weird, high-pitched Paris Hilton-esque voice. It's annoying and we all know you don't talk in that voice. You know, the voice you use below.

3) It will be pretty cold so hopefully if it's an outside performance, you will dress appropriately.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008
This past summer I spent a week with a few friends in Charlotte/W.Virginia. Since gas prices were rising, I decided to cut my costs in half and drive all the way to Charlotte to visit them, rather than cutting off my right arm for a plane ticket. It was a blast. We spent leisurely days at the pool, shopping at local malls and even hitting a few bars at nights.

After spending three days with my friend Steph and her husband, I discovered the secret room upstairs - otherwise known as the man room. Her husband had it decked out with sport pictures, his favorite beer in his mini-fridge, PS2 or XBox and a huge ass TV. He even went so far as to draw a picture for his wife to keep out - see below.

Two days ago, the BF must have remembered this because I found this nice piece of artwork in my office. He has decided to create a new bedroom/game room for the winter. If you look closely you will see his description of the current space, which apparently he doesn't care for based on this drawing.

1) I hate the chair he is referring to as the gaming chair (notice the highlighting). He claims it's the "most comfortable and perfect gaming chair." No, it's not. It currently sits in the corner of the living room and acts as a table because we throw our laptops, coats and my purse on it. Gaming my ass!

2) My mirror isn't ugly. I purchased it over two years for the fab price of $50 when any other mirror that size would cost upwards of $200. If he gets the ugly chair, I get the ugly mirror.

3) Open drawers? Not 100 percent of the time, maybe just 50 percent of the time. This isn't anything new. Mental note - I should really think about transferring some of my clothes into the semi-empty one he is referring to.

Yesterday, I fully expected to come home to a new room with him sitting front and center of the TV in the gaming chair. It didn't happen this time, however I have a feeling when I'm least expecting it everything will moved around to accommodate his winter activity - F U PS2.

Mr. Creepster

Monday, October 20, 2008
After agreeing to type a somewhat real account of myself and life, I should've known that I would receive a creepy e-mail or two. After all, we are all indirectly asking for criticism, right?

I'm tough, I can take it. However, what I can't take are the Creepy McCreepsters who e-mail me. Sorry - take your fetishes to message boards, not my e-mail account.

Case in point: This e-mail popped up in my inbox over the weekend.

Subject - big calves eeeeh

I love a woman with big calve , do you have a pic of them?

OK, Creepy McCreepster, please refrain from e-mailing me again. No, you will not receive a picture of my calves. Visit your local health club to see a whole group of people with big calves.

Friday Fodder

Friday, October 17, 2008
Last Saturday, I got my hair colored (not dyed) readers. It's a combination of adding highlights while still darkening it for the fall. Girls follow me, right?

Do you ever notice that men don't notice when you change your appearance? They just don't. At. All.

I told the BF that I was getting my hair done, came home hours later and said, "Do you notice anything different?" He looks at me strangely, "Um, no."
Me -"BF, I told you I was getting my hair done."
BF -"OK, it still doesn't look any different."
Me -"She darkened it. Do you notice the blond?"
BF - "No."
Me -"That's because it's not there anymore!"

Is this something that is built into men's DNA? It must be. However, I was proved wrong when a college student who I've only met once asked, "Did you do something to your hair?" AHA! It's not built in - maybe just buried deep within each male.

Blank this

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Boys are to football

as girls are to ____________.

fake diamonds are not your friends

Monday, October 13, 2008

Dear Mariah,

I'm a huge fan. Huge. I've loved your voice since back when Dreamlover was released. When Butterfly was released, I didn't let that CD leave my boombox for months. (iPods didn't exist back then.) I even still jam to Honey every once in awhile on iTunes. However, let's talk about your obsession with butterflies. I understand that it was a symbol for you when you finally broke up with your old man or whatever back in the day. Ok, that was then and this is now.

Please stop wearing crystal butterfly fake tattoos. Even 12-year-olds don't wear those and since you are eternally 12, neither should you. Ask your friends. They will tell you the truth. If they don't, I suggest you find new ones because they are lying to your face and laughing at you with each red carpet pose. That dress is absolutely amazing and you looked phenomenal from the front. When you turned around it looked you like forgot to remove your latest party foul from Saturday night.

Allison M.

Friday Fodder

Friday, October 10, 2008
In nine hours and counting, something exciting is going to happen. No, the economic crisis won't be solved, the drinking age won't be lowered and we won't find out who Gossip Girl really is.

This will launch. That's right people. Good ol' Britney Spears is making her return to the online community by unveiling a new site.

I'll admit it. I'm still a fan and not a closet fan either. Hell, I loved her ever since I saw the Crazy video on TRL when it first started. Plus, who didn't want to wear a sequined skin-colored outfit? OK, well maybe it was just me.

Not only is she releasing a new site today, she's also decided to premiere her latest video on 20/20 tonight. That makes perfect sense to release your video among serious dramatic headlines like "Maybe you shouldn't vote" and "Wrongfully convicted man dies in accident."

Set your DVRs ladies.

Girls don't live next door

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The world's most celebrated Playboy is finally back on the market.

Girls, if you are looking for some 82-year-old balls, look no further than Mr. Hugh Hefner. He's back on the prowl for some brunettes now. I mean, who doesn't find a wrinkley old man who dresses in silk robes and slippers a hot commodity?

After recreating himself and keeping relevant with today's youth by opening a suite in the Palms and starring in a reality show, Hef and his girls are officially calling it quits. What? How! You mean, they aren't really all in love?!?

Holly says, "I got new boobs and a nose job. Plus, now I'm a household name. I think I put in enough years, don't you?"

Bridget says, "I fufilled a life long dream of gracing the pages of Playboy twice and crying more times than any other girl on camera."

Kendra says.... Well, she probably says something really stupid followed by a snort and another improper use of a word she doesn't quite understand.

Now E! has a time slot to fill with another highly anticipated reality show that no one really cares about but will waste valuable time watching. How about another season of Living Lohan? No wait. Don't do that to us.

Here are my votes -
"Paris - my new BFF x2" Because she needs to keep the focus off all the humanitarian work she's not doing since she was released from the slammer.

"Britney's search for a new assistant" Must be related, open to jumping into the ocean with underwear on while wearing huge glasses and pink wigs - at all times.

Who show should E! replace the Girls Next Door with?

P.S. Narm already told me that Hef supposedly is dating two 19-year-old twins who be soon be girlfriends. Narm is wishing he was Hef right now....


Wednesday, October 8, 2008
While both of us getting ready this morning for work, the BF decides to do a nice thing for me and offers to install my new wiper blades.

BF: Allison, did you get new wipers last night?

Me: Yep, they are in the car. I'm going to put them on this morning because I was too lazy last night.

BF: I'll do it for you. Just give me your keys.

Me: Thanks but it's OK. I know how do it myself. My dad taught me.

BF: (trying to be nice) Just give me your keys.

ME: BF, I'm a do-it-yourself kind of woman.

BF: (He breaks into immediate laughter) DIY woman?

Me: Look, BF, I can do a lot of things myself. I'm pretty self-sufficient.

BF: Oh, I know you are. So if you are a DIY woman, what's an alternator?

Me: It's that thing that charges your car. I know when it goes bad everything slowly stops working - the radio, the lights and the steering wheel freezes. (This happened to me once.)

BF: Ok, (thinking of a better question.) What's a johnny rod?

ME: A what?

BF: A johnny rod? How do you fix the johnny rod on your car?

Me: (Thinking while flat ironing my hair) I don't know but I'm sure I could figure it out.

BF: HA! There is no such thing as a johnny rod.

Me: That was a trick question. No trick questions allowed.

15 and counting

Monday, October 6, 2008
Out of all the news that's happening right now in the U.S., this more or less makes me want to vomit because of its absurdity.

Really, Maria Menounos? You went to college, ate one too many basket of onion rings or late night Taco Bell runs and now you think a national TV audience can/should identify with you? You put on the freshman 15. Get over it. I did and several hundred of my fellow Kent Staters did too and lost it without a cover in Fitness magazine. But, you don't see me running around with less than flattering pictures of myself and touting them as if I solved the cure for PMS, do you? No, I don't.

You know who I want to see? I want to see all the father/daughter, mother/daughter and husband/wife teams from the Biggest Loser talking about their life changes after the show. Not a former skinny girl who gained a few pounds while on campus after one too many fraternity theme parties. Drink up, ladies, drink up.

Step by step

Saturday, October 4, 2008
Well, we outdid ourselves with this latest surprise for our friend. My friends and I like to pride ourselves on being the best liars friends can be to each other. If we weren't, we'd never be able to pull this shit off.

Enter the New Kids concert. Our friend Katie is a huge fan and mentioned that she'd want to go. For some reason, none of us thought of buying tickets before she mentioned it. (stupid, so stupid.) Because her birthday is Oct. 30, we agreed this would be the perfect surprise and even outdo the surprise birthday party we threw last year. We came up with a story to have dinner at Bar Cento because one of the girls had to "bail" early to some made up location in Tremont. She has absolutely no idea about anything and thought the concert was the next day.

Nicole predicts our birthday girl's reaction.

Katie's actual reaction. (Thanks to our server for helping out with our plan.)

For those of you who missed the madness that was inside the Q, here's a short clip of it.

Everyone was going nuts for two straight hours wearing their t-shirts circa 1990 - I can't believe they still had them! It was packed with women ages 25-40, grown women tearing up at the end and rocking out like they were eternally 12-years-old. It was so much more fun and insanity than any of us ever thought it would be.

Dear Katie, I hope you had a great time. Thank you for being easy to trick so we can pull stunts off like this. Joey loves you, too.

Love your fantastic friends,
Allison, Erin and Nicole