SATC and my local TV debut

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I went. I stayed. I conquered the preview of Sex and the City with Alexa (thank your friend Jenny for me again) and her friends Tuesday night. I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing the movie. It felt so weird because I only know those four characters in a 28 minute episode, not on a mega screen in a movie theater.

All in all I was very pleased with the movie. It made the entire crowd laugh, cry, clap, yell at some characters and even gasp. Yes, we all gasped at one point. But, mostly there was lots of laughing. (Sorry to anyone sitting in the row in front of us. We like to talk through the movie and dissect every part.) It even surprised me at some parts. And, I pride myself on being able to call other movies and I totally didn’t see some of the twists and turns.

I’m not going to give it away, but I will say Big doesn’t freaking die. I wish there was more Stanford but I’m glad they incorporated the characters that they did. Samantha looks younger than she did in the series, Miranda looks more slightly aged, Charlotte and Carrie both really didn’t change that much. The fashion is bigger than in all the seasons of the show. Holy crap the belts! In every scene there was a belt on each girl.

I loved it so so so much, I’m even heading to another showing tomorrow with some more friends to laugh my ass off again.

Click here to check our local TV debut. And, yes, only Alexa manages to get bleeped on local news.

Stag parties. I want one.

Monday, May 26, 2008

This past Saturday, my cousin got married and the BF had an all day bachelor party for a friend back home that he only made it to for the first part -- the golf outing. This was no ordinary golf outing though. He had a bachelor party/golf outing/stag party where all of the groom's friends made money for him throughout the night.

What the F is this about?
Why the hell don't girls do this?

Girl bridal shower
Typically, a combination of women sit around in some rented hall or someone's house and open crock pots, kitchen utensils and Oreck vacuum cleaners from bridal registries. We know what we are getting. Hello! No surprise factor there. Plus, sometimes these showers are long. I mean, we are talking 1 hour to 1.5 hours of opening straight presents. Just presents!!! And, showers somehow end up being in the middle of the day. More than likely around 1 to 2 p.m. That way, you can't really get anything major done in the first part of your day because you have to head to the party in the middle of the day.

Guy Bachelor party/stag party
They not only get to drink (a lot), they get to make money via gambling/golfing/some type of betting. Plus, I learned today that guys sometimes have this stag party and then have a separate bachelor party. Twice the fun!

While boys are off galvanting playing poker or drunk driving golf carts, we are sitting in a room with pink and white netting/lace decorations eating those little mints opening up presents that we know we are getting!

The BF told me at his brother's bachelor party AKA lottery for boys he made $4,000.
WHAT IS THAT! I want to make $4,000 just hanging out and drinking with my friends.

We need to revise the wedding shower. No more mints, little wrapped favors or homemade cookies. The more alcohol the better. And let's move it to night time. My vote goes for 5 or 6 p.m.

36-hour trip in and out of LA

Thursday, May 22, 2008
So, I was out in LA for a quick in and out visit for work. After driving (not really) around in the city, I can say with 100 percent certainty that I couldn't live there. First off, I would hit the asshole drivers. I just would. Just because I could. Idiots I tell ya! Even in my short visit, we managed to see David Spade who sat at the table next to us. Quite interesting. He really IS that short in person. Then, when we went into Fred Segal I saw that chick from October Road and That 70s show.

One other thing I noticed. People don't eat in LA. I'm telling you... I overheard the sales chick in Fred Segal say, "No, I'm sorry, we are all out of a size 25 in J brand." Seriously! An f'ing size 25! I think I was that small when I was 11 not at 40 -- she was a little too old to still feel the need to keep up with the young Hollywood girls. Eat some carbs, honey. It'll do a body good.

Bach parties galore

Monday, May 19, 2008
Bachelorette parties are hilarious. They always are. Well, that's how I spent my Saturday night -- partying it up in a friend's honor who is taking the leap into marital bliss. The typical antics happened - the opening of amazing lingerie that I wanted to steal, the reminiscing of all the old BFs/sleeping partners/make out partners of college years past and acknowledging the new boy who she is set to marry in the middle of June.

To be perfectly honest, I cringe at the idea of being made to do stupid things with a veil on my head. (Editor's note: I typically do stupid things on any given night. If I'm going to do them, at least let me be in my own clothes.)

With that said, my dear friend Hannah completely went along with everything her friends did for her. She wore the black tank top with lifesavers, loosely sewed on to make a buck from guys who would suck them off. She was reluctant to throw it on because she had bought this cute white tank top with "Bride" glowing in silver metallic letters on the front. She even cooperated when they threw this veil adorned with condoms (both in and out of packaging) on to her head. She's a freaking trooper I tell ya!

Halfway through the night, she whipped off the tank top and still wore the veil. I guess I've never paid much attention to all the brides to be bar hopping, but holy hell there were a lot of other ones out that night. A lot with really bad outfits on.

But, the best part is the guys who flock around the bride-to-be. I can't even remember how many guys asked, "So are you getting married?" Seriously! No, the girl who is wearing the veil stuck with condoms and tank top embroidered with "bride" isn't getting married -- one of her friends is. You know, the one with no bride gear on at all to her right. OMG -- Idiots I tell ya.


So, readers, what's the craziest thing you've ever seen happen? It doesn't necessarily have to be one of your friends. Maybe just the crazy bride that you saw out that night.

At one of my friend's parties last summer, someone thought it would be a great idea to throw her on stage with 6 or 7 male strippers. Bad idea. After we paid a boatload of cash to get her on stage (unknown to her) and saw how horrified she would be based on the other girls' reactions, we all pinky swore to never do that to each other. Although, when it was all said and done, the bride-to-be wasn't even mad at us. She was completely surprised, laughed her ass off and we have the most classic and horrified pictures of our friend to date. Plus, she's still our friend to this day.

Friday Fodder

My favorite scorned woman is back. She's going bonkers....literally. I just wasted 4 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back. However, I think the best part was when the crazy bitch started rocking out to a song called "Bonkers" at 3:40 in the video.


Hilfuckingarious.

Maturity doesn't bring wisdom

As boys get older, it seems that they just mature into bigger idiots than they were when they were in their teens. My point is Marc Dann, Ohio's former attorney general. What a flaming idiot! Like most politicians, he was involved in a sexual harassment scandal that blew up in his face, forcing him to resign after impeachment papers were thrown his way and an investigation by the Republicans. (I paraphrased -- read the full article for all the juicy details.)

Aren't you boys ever going to learn? When you are a public figure of any kind, you can't do that stuff anymore. I mean, you can, but get ready for your personal life to be splashed across the front pages every newspaper. You can't sleep with prostitutes, cheat on your wife without getting caught, crash vehicles that the state owned when you are drunk or wrongly fire people -- you just can't. It didn't work for Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, Rob Lowe, Sean Penn, Hugh Grant and the list goes on and on.

It's like the more money and power a man gets (just in this case of course), the worse decisions he could make on a daily basis. As one of my coworkers just put it, just admit it if you are a scumbag right off the bat. Don't act like you are the Brady's because we all know you are faking it anyway. Plus, when your scandal does finally leak, your only public statement should be, "Well, I told you I was a scumbag from the beginning."

Sign on the dotted line

Monday, May 12, 2008
It's that time again. We received a letter from our leasing office informing us we have until May 18 to resign our lease. We had our little talk, discussed our options and decided to stay in this sweet apartment for another year of living in sin.

It's been fun, weird, challenging, annoying and lovely all at the same. Although I joke, sometimes on a daily basis that I'm moving out, I'm going to sign up for another year with the BF. Who knew you had to work at a relationship! It can be work I tell ya. It's definitely not all sex and rock n' roll.

You want reality MTV? Once you are done milking all you can out of Lauren Conrad and her BFFs, come and film the BF styling his hair in the morning! Although it's not nearly as bad as Joey from the Real World, he might be able to give him a run for his money. I bet he could help him calm down the Sonic the hedgehog effect he has going on.

Bad example of living together: Hollywood style


I don't even need to comment. I really don't. How do you say "so not going to work out" in Mariah's lingo?


Not only did they get married after only dating for a few weeks or months, they are going to join the tattoo laser removal club. Did you see the size of Nick's tat across his back? Holy crap that is ballsy and going to be quite expensive to remove. At least hers is a tramp stamp -- a couple rounds with a laser can shrink that.

BF - If you love me and are reading this, buy me a new Louis Vuitton purse. Don't waste your time getting a tattoo to profess your love. A new bag will do just fine. And, quite frankly, probably last a hell of a lot longer.

Friday Fodder

Back on March 5, the BF passed me this large note with a checklist titled "Things you must do to make me happier."

He checked off about 20 odd things I should do "from now on" to make him happier. It's pretty funny. I need to find out where he pulled this from because I could create one long ass list for him. Anyway, here are his responses for what I should do from now on to make him happier -- or else.

1)Tell me I'm smart. (Ha!)
2)Blow your nose softer. (Get over it.)
3)Smile and nod. (I do. Then I speak my mind.)
4)Get off your high horse. (His is higher than mine.)
5)Admire my ass. (Poor kid. Hardly has one.)
6)Become famous. (Does having a blog count?)
7)Kill that spider. (That's what YOU are for.)
8)Do what I say. (Are you f'ing serious!)

Here are some things the BF should work on immediately.

1)Pulling away from the TV and acknowledge when I talk to you.
2)Learn to like new foods --eating tomatoes and mushrooms isn't going to kill you.
3)Improve driving skills. (At times, I'm afraid for my life.)
4)Stop thinking you can decorate. (We had this discussion. I win if I pay for it all.)

Weekend hangover

Monday, May 5, 2008
Well, my little four day break from the BF is over. He's coming back from a work trip in San Francisco some time later tonight. I think he thoroughly enjoyed himself. I know I did because I had a packed weekend of events. On Friday, two friends and I watched 27 dresses, ate unhealthy cheese dip and starbursts (bad combo). On Saturday because it was a downpour, I had this bright idea to hang curtains in the dining room before he got back.

One) Just to prove I can.
Two) So I could pick it out without his opinion. (You may remember that as long as I'm footing the bill, he has little to no say in the decor. His rules, not mine.)

Well, I didn't. I was bored with the selections in Target and think I'm going to whip something up from the fabric store. Anyway, my college friend came over, we chatted and hung out until she had to jet off to a wedding. Then, off to Cleveland's fashion week (we have one too) for Unclothed, a Cool Cleveland party. I was actually impressed with the turn out. It was a very eclectic group of people from the art/fashion world of Cleveland. Here's a round-up from the event from Kim Crow at the Plain Dealer if you want to read more.

To end the night, I met friends at Willoughby Panini's with no BFs present at all. Felt like college again. Can we go back? Seriously. Because I want to. Only sometimes on weekends like this past one.

Face it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008
The BF took the liberty to throw a picture of me up on Facestat.com. He wanted to see what people thought of my picture. He continues to amaze me with the dumb shit he does. After he sent me the e-mail, he calls me immediately to see my reaction. I've never heard of this site so I have no idea what this means. I just see a picture of me on a Web page. Then, I find out it's real and am going to have to think of some retailation method. Perhaps stealing his credit card and buying new shoes will work.

Besides the fact that my right eye is scaring me, people think I'm a Califorian, liberal, dating and bright (of course because I am). Oh, and they also think I'm 32. Maybe I should grow out my hair so I look 25 again.

Check out the weight categories. What the F is "skin and bones" and "o the extreme!" If you have low self-esteem, don't upload your photo.